1 post tagged “relationship”

Well, folks. It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. And to be honest, I haven't been missing much of anything online. I'm in a funk, a spot, moody and trying to heal after a very stressful ordeal. What has happened is that my partner Keith and I have split and I'm single after two years. One of them good, the other not so much, but what I didn't know was the not so much part was to come and slap me in the face all withing a few weeks of one another.

Some very bad decisions were made, some even worse actions were taken and were extreme, hospitalization occurred, mental health facilities were involved and the separation took place shortly afterward, due to anger, resentment, trust, heartache and stress. All of this has left me without much hope of saving my home, but I'm doing my best to hold on to myself and it while I try to heal as well. I feel very trapped in my current situation.

I'm working and I love my job and the crew I work with. I couldn't have asked for a better group of folks to share a place of employment. My job however, doesn't pay my bills and only barely my rent. Keith has the car, I kept the house. Keith has a new job and a new home where he works with lovely people who've taken him under their wing, care, and given him shelter during this difficult time in his life. He's offered to help me where he can. I am just put in a position to keep my home only by receiving his help as he has the car, I have none. My coworkers pick me up, drop me off and run me to the grocery with borrowed or gifted funds. I feel like I'm in a prison of sorts. I require the ex's assistance, but I also have to listen about his new life, his travels his running and doing, his dates, his going out to eat, shopping and all of this, while I have to beg and borrow. It's extremely difficult to do and I do want his friendship.

I have no family to rely on, I have no friends with the means to help other than a few dollars here and there, I did have one friend offer to keep an eye out for a car, but that could be months before that happens. My bills exceed my income, which leaves little for saving, much less going to dinners like we used to, going to movies unless someone else pays, and then there's the yard, which needs mowing, but no mower. There are so many things going on at one time that the grays have starting coming in very fast now and I'm pretty sure I've developed and ulcer.

So, while I sit here sharing, I do tell you that I'm only sharing and not complaining. Life is sometimes unpleasant, unfair, and extremely difficult. I have my up days and down days. I feel this year has dealt me loads of shit, but nothing I can not handle. I'm prepared to sell all my things if I have to and up and move somewhere new and start over, it's not really an option, however. But if it has to be, then I'll do just that. I love my home, It's the first place in years, I've felt I've had a home that felt like home to me. The family was here, but now with him gone, I don't get checked on, I don't get calls that ask how I'm doing, I feel very alone, other than my handful of friends who truly know me and love me for the person I am.

My family can't help. We are sort of estranged from one another due to my being gay. My mother has made the comment that my gayness is the cause of all my problems and my father has told me to my face that he has four sons how aren't worth a shit. So, the extent of my family is that they are my family, but if it were not for mother, I'd know nothing else of them.

I know my recent story is not unique. I know there are many others out there worse off than I, I'm thankful for the roof over my head at present, for the friends I have and for my little pup, Penny. But I really am in need of some great frigging news sometime very soon or I think I'm gonna lose my mind! (intended humor as you should have heard the voice I used in my head while writing that last sentence. - Being Sissy from "Sordid Lives.")

Well, on the up side of things, I've been introduced to someone who's company I enjoy and for whom I'm cooking dinner this evening. I'm looking forward to the new and exciting. :)

Peace to you all and much love from Gainesville.

JD