From the Other Side of The Room

Well, folks. It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. And to be honest, I haven't been missing much of anything online. I'm in a funk, a spot, moody and trying to heal after a very stressful ordeal. What has happened is that my partner Keith and I have split and I'm single after two years. One of them good, the other not so much, but what I didn't know was the not so much part was to come and slap me in the face all withing a few weeks of one another.

Some very bad decisions were made, some even worse actions were taken and were extreme, hospitalization occurred, mental health facilities were involved and the separation took place shortly afterward, due to anger, resentment, trust, heartache and stress. All of this has left me without much hope of saving my home, but I'm doing my best to hold on to myself and it while I try to heal as well. I feel very trapped in my current situation.

I'm working and I love my job and the crew I work with. I couldn't have asked for a better group of folks to share a place of employment. My job however, doesn't pay my bills and only barely my rent. Keith has the car, I kept the house. Keith has a new job and a new home where he works with lovely people who've taken him under their wing, care, and given him shelter during this difficult time in his life. He's offered to help me where he can. I am just put in a position to keep my home only by receiving his help as he has the car, I have none. My coworkers pick me up, drop me off and run me to the grocery with borrowed or gifted funds. I feel like I'm in a prison of sorts. I require the ex's assistance, but I also have to listen about his new life, his travels his running and doing, his dates, his going out to eat, shopping and all of this, while I have to beg and borrow. It's extremely difficult to do and I do want his friendship.

I have no family to rely on, I have no friends with the means to help other than a few dollars here and there, I did have one friend offer to keep an eye out for a car, but that could be months before that happens. My bills exceed my income, which leaves little for saving, much less going to dinners like we used to, going to movies unless someone else pays, and then there's the yard, which needs mowing, but no mower. There are so many things going on at one time that the grays have starting coming in very fast now and I'm pretty sure I've developed and ulcer.

So, while I sit here sharing, I do tell you that I'm only sharing and not complaining. Life is sometimes unpleasant, unfair, and extremely difficult. I have my up days and down days. I feel this year has dealt me loads of shit, but nothing I can not handle. I'm prepared to sell all my things if I have to and up and move somewhere new and start over, it's not really an option, however. But if it has to be, then I'll do just that. I love my home, It's the first place in years, I've felt I've had a home that felt like home to me. The family was here, but now with him gone, I don't get checked on, I don't get calls that ask how I'm doing, I feel very alone, other than my handful of friends who truly know me and love me for the person I am.

My family can't help. We are sort of estranged from one another due to my being gay. My mother has made the comment that my gayness is the cause of all my problems and my father has told me to my face that he has four sons how aren't worth a shit. So, the extent of my family is that they are my family, but if it were not for mother, I'd know nothing else of them.

I know my recent story is not unique. I know there are many others out there worse off than I, I'm thankful for the roof over my head at present, for the friends I have and for my little pup, Penny. But I really am in need of some great frigging news sometime very soon or I think I'm gonna lose my mind! (intended humor as you should have heard the voice I used in my head while writing that last sentence. - Being Sissy from "Sordid Lives.")

Well, on the up side of things, I've been introduced to someone who's company I enjoy and for whom I'm cooking dinner this evening. I'm looking forward to the new and exciting. :)

Peace to you all and much love from Gainesville.

JD

HI Folks. Just a quick note to say hello to you all and thanks for your participation in this group. Once again, I fail to get updates without looking at the group, but today I noticed it's been quite active (thanks, Mitchey and welcome to the group!) and I'm happy to see it continuing to grow. Peace to you all and remember, Live OUT Loud.

Happy weekend to you all!

Peace!

JD

This morning I woke early as I went to bed at 9:30 last night. Up at 4 AM and having coffee, reading my facebook posts from friends and the news. I need to get back to writing more as it's been a long while since I've felt like writing, much less, having something I enjoy writing about. Well, this morning, I'm filled with joy and peace and extremely happy to have my life back to some sense of normalcy. I've got Penny on my side under the comforter, Keith on the other end of the sofa under his blanket with Dixie, his parent's dachshund at his side, and both of us on the computer. (I say this as he picks up the remote to change the channel from my morning music on the Soundscape Music Choice channel. And speaking of Music Choice, they've changed their lineup and have condenced Singers and Standards with Big Band and Swing which I'm not very happy with. I love standards, but not a huge fan of swing. More than one song and I'm wanting to change the channel back to either light classical, soundscapes or easy listening.

I decided just a moment ago, while getting my second cup of coffee what we would be having for dinner this evening. When I leave work, I'm going to run by the store to pick up some charcoal, some sourkraut, potatoe buns, and BRATS! I've not had a grilled brat since last summer and I'm dying for, lets say, five or six of them! This is my favorite summer time food. And I can eat them if all the store has are pre-coooked brats, but nothing compares to a brat, slightly boiled in beer, and then transfered to a hot grill and charred just slightly, placed on a potato bun, two thin strips of spicy mustard on each side of the sausage, and then covered with kraut. I'm going to be in heaven this evening for certain.

Bratwurst , a movie, dogs and the windows open--Oh, what a lovely saturday evening! My life is good right now.

Peace and bratwurst grease, y'all!

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized s he was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

This morning I woke to the feel of uncovered sutures tugging on the sheets and pillow case, but to be honest, I was happy to be moving freely about with an arm that has been bundled up in bandages for a week with twenty sutures from the accident. With my stitches gently reminding me it's morning, I hopped out of bed after one last snuggle with Keith, who was finally released yesterday and was able to return home to me. I will say that if everything goes okay, he'll not have to be returned, which is my hope, but he's prepared to take responsibility for wrong choices he has made and that's the best I can hope for.

So, I made him coffee his morning and he's watching the beautiful sun rise and he's loving the fact that he was allowed to come home. And I've been having a hoot of a time with the foods I've prepared, putting the first bite of real food, my style, with tons of fresh flavors, into his mouth, the first of which was my cucumber, cherry tomato and onion salad with dill and black pepper, red wine vinegar, water and salt. He was in the shower, for the first time in three days (as he was scared shitless to have to venture the shower while "otherwise detained.") and I took him a bite, and pulled back the shower curtain, popped it into his mouth and you'd have thought he'd actually died and gone to heaven. It's my little way of teasing him about why not to do things that get you sent to jail, not pass go, and not collect $200.

I made him a REAL cup of coffee, a la Starbucks grade French roast, put it in his hands and he just smelled the hell out of it...THEN...the taste.....and ensuing "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I'm happy to have him home. Now, let him screw up again and I'll be in the pokey for attempted murder. (JUST KIDDING!)

Oh, and I return to work for the first time since my injury on Easter. Wheee!!!! And get my sutures removed after work. Today is a great day! The rooster is outside my window cock-a-doodling and I'm at peace for the first time in days.

Happy Saturday, EVERYONE!

The thing about this piece is that some of us think like this regardless of being a mother or a father. We worry about making ends meet, having a clean house, making sure our friends are okay and ensuring we are there for those moments when fears come to the surface and they come quickly. It happens, it's part of life. Which, in my opinion, is the reason we should love and respect one another regardless of our differences and be on the ready to ensure that "the kids" (whatever that might mean - an elder left behind needing care, the kids, the dogs or fish or cats and birds, the family heirlooms, the home, the garden that nourishes a community that one person keeps planted for all the neighbors and need to come gather food when in need. But then life takes hold and we tend to not think further than ourselves....but we should return to it often to help us reach our goals.

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Okay, so I so want this for myself when my life is finally over. I did want a few close friends to take me up the east coast and one trip to Las Vegas for each place I've lived, and spread my ashes with a final stop and dusting off the coast of Maine in Ogunquit or Booths Bay Harbor or Camden, BUT with this little project, they can each chunk a pencil with my name on it and still have plenty left over for a lifetime of doodling! How wonderful!!!!

CARBON COPIES by Nadine Jarvis

Well, I will say that thanks to friends and acquaintances in positions to hire someone, I now have a job so I get to keep my home! I'll start tomorrow morning at the local Dollar Tree here in Gainesville. And it's a big store. I'm happy to be on and thank John so much for allowing me to do the job at hand. I couldn't be more ecstatic this evening. I'm celebrating with a cold beer and a smoked pork sandwich and movies on cable, which now gets to stay on too! Whee! I'm going to be alright. And, hopefully, Keith will too as a result.

When things are tough, we all hear to keep our chins up and look on the bright side of things. Well, I try to remain positive and do try to look on the bright side, but some days, the worst gets the best of me and I'm say, "You all get in my shoes during this time of worry for me and try to stay on the bright side and positive!" It's hard! When you've been a house husband for a few years, and your comfortable and settled (so you think) and then you get the big news that I got (which was horrible - one, almost cost me my partner's life - two, and subsequently will most likely, unless I can do something to make money in the next two weeks or so, will quite possibly cause me to lose my home, it's just not as easy to look on the bright side. I still smile and try to stay focused, but I really want to just have a miracle happen, and time go backward and this even never to have occurred, but I know that won't happen. I'm a realist. And it gets even more real every day.

So, chin up everyone and remember that things can be a lot worse!

JD

Well, I'm sitting in Inman Perk Coffee here in Gainesville, due to my having awoken this morning to find that there is no phone, no cable and no internet. (Bundle) and with Keith's recent situation, he also failed to pay the bills. So. I'm home without a way to contact anyone. Good thing there's a coffee shop close with free internet connection! Yay!

I came out this morning to get into the car and lo and behold it's snowing! After a 75 degree weekend. It's been this way all winter. Hot/Cold, weekly. I think we had a 2 week cold snap and that was it. No wonder everyone is staying so sick.

Peace and Easter Snow everyone!

JD