A Single State of Mind

Well, folks! I'm back for a brief moment. This evening I sit awake and only vaguely see a faint sign of sleep coming on from the two PM's I took around 11 PM. As I sit here, I've imported tunes into my iPod and have a pretty good collection started. Takes time though.

News as of late? Well, this past week has been a very trying and emotional one. I've buried three friends in five days. Drew and Sarah who both passed on Wednesday of last week were dear. Drew is the son of my close friends Dale and Richard here in Atlanta. He was killed in a tragic freak accident resulting from a blown tire. Very shocking for all of us. But I so feel for Dale and Richard. Drew was Dale's mini me in so many ways and such a love of a person with passion for life and love for everyone he met. I'm very sad that he is no longer with us. The service was beautiful with a full house of all the folks Drew touched in his short 24 years. He will be missed.

My friend Sarah is a friend from high school who was diagnosed on her birthday five years ago with Leukemia. She was sent home shortly before last Wednesday for hospice at home and she passed shortly after. She was such a joy to be around and such a love with a smile and laughter that would make the meanest snake of a person smile if even for a moment in her presence.

And finally, a newer friend who I met only this year passed away in his sleep Monday night this week. Aaron is survived by a very sweet man, Joey in SC where his services are to be held tomorrow. My thoughts are with these families in their time of grieving.

And this added to my already trying year with the loss of a relationship and friend in my ex partner. However, I can say, that I can see him now and am no longer controlled by my emotions. It was freeing to realize that this past Saturday when I saw him and his new "best friend." I can finally move on. Yippee! Nice stuff that. But I'm still trying to get my life back on track and it's slow going.

All in all, I'm good, just resolved to this year being I think my worst ever. I'm ready for about ten more really really good ones and then I can die happy. Well, I hope there are more than that, but if I only get that, I'll be happy with it.

Peace and iPods!

JD

There is this thing that I have missed over the past several months—myself. I woke this morning to make coffee, gather up my computer and go out to the backyard and watch the sun come up while listening to the sounds of the morning—the birds, the dogs in the distance, and the very faint hum of traffic off to the right somewhere on Sweetgum Road.

Well, I then realized how much I've missed of myself since everything has happened. I've spent much time in the bottle and that was usually when I wasn't working so it was many times a week to say the least. After I had been in Atlanta for a few weeks staying with a friend who was helping me out with a place to stay while I searched for a new home, when went we back to gather some of my things, I realized how messed up I really was over this all when I saw the recycling bins full. At that point, I decided I needed time for Derek to heal and to start life over in a different direction yet once again. You know? It gets harder every time and I'm tired, but life hands us situations beyond our control and we must either roll with it, fight it (like I was doing) or give up. And giving up was never an option.

So, now, I sit here in my new home with my new roommates, a new found sense of peace, the best sleep I've had in years, and I'm starting to feel rested again and like I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. That person was missing for the past year.

Today, I'll spend my day reading and writing and working on the room some more, getting my things organized and stored away in their proper places and at the pool, relaxing with a book and a glass of ice-cold water with a drop of juice in it for refreshment.

Today, I am new. Today, I am loved. And Today, I am ME again!

Love! Love!

JD

Well, folks! I'm happy to announce that I have moved into my new home in Lawrenceville with my friend Sean and his roommate, Randy and Randy's partner, Bill along with Luke a friend of Sean's. Yes, it's a big house--two stories, four bedrooms; my bedroom is over the two car garage so I have basically a suite that I call my new home and the funny thing about it is that my things fit perfectly in this space. I've got Two rooms of furniture (and then some) from my house in Gainesville and it fits into this space wonderfully and It's comfortable, peaceful, relaxing and quiet.

Penny also has a new older and bigger sister, Jasmine, and a brother feline Benjamin. She's taken over Jasmine's living room bed and is still trying to get into a routine but it's only been a week. She's been acting a bit funny but that's to be expected.

I've also already started applying for jobs in the area and I've got a few more leads through the roommates here so hopefully I'll be employed within a  week or two and I'll have the use of a vehicle sometime this week so I can start hitting the pavement looking for work.

So, things have changed and they have changed drastically. I'm an no longer interested in speaking with Keith or hearing about his new life without me, but I wish him the best in his new life with whatever that may entail. It's for the best so I can move on and heal. This is one time I've really not been interested in continuing some sort of friendly relationship with someone I was involved with as a partner. I don't want to say ever, but right now, I just don't care anymore. Four months of caring and trying to hold on to a life that was blown to shit in a matter of minutes due to careless and thoughtless behavior has left me bitter, angry, hurt, sad and discarded. But I'm here, in a new place after a few months of struggling and I managed to pull enough together with the help of some very dear friends to get in a better place than I have been in months.

From here, the old me will slowly return with some new and improved features! :)

Peace and Tater Tots!

JD

So, you see. We had yet another fight and he had the utilities cut off. (the fight is not important as it was yet another one over something he did in front of me that he swears was innocent, however, how could it be? right otherwise I wouldn't have been offended.) But. Regardless, I'm now living in Atlanta with a friend, have found a new place and am in the process of trying to secure a truck and move on Monday this next week. I'm tired, I'm feeling out of sorts, but am very lucky to have great friends who are helping through this final stage in transition from being in a relationship to being single. To be honest, I'm going to welcome it quite openly. I need a major break in the way things have been for me this year and working on the final steps to make that change. Next year will be better. I'll have three fabulous roommates, live in the country, and be between Athens and Atlanta so I'll be able to do things in multiple cities. So, you see, I'm already finding silver linings in bad experiences.

Peace to you all.

HUGS from GA

Derek

Summer is in full force here in Georgia. We've done the lake many times over, they've put a no swimming sign up on the dock where I prefer to swim, and we've been on the lake for fourth of July for fireworks and I think, today we're headed over to a friend's pool on the mountain top for some nude sunbathing! I love being nude in nature. It feels like it was meant to be and intended. Very freeing. I highly recommend it at least once in your life!

I'm still struggling a bit, but Keith is helping out. He's come around and I'm not so angry anymore, however, I do have my moments when my plans are affected by others' actions. It bothers me to no end. But I always come back around to myself again shortly after.

We have tans, we're doing things with friends constantly, we're on the lake, I'm dating here and there as well as Keith, and we're just living in the moment rather than trying to make things fit into a mold that makes us unhappy. So. Welcome back a different life, with some of the same things still in it.

For now, I'm off to make my egg McGinns. Yum yum!

Fried egg on browned cheese toast.Yay!

Later!

Well, folks. It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. And to be honest, I haven't been missing much of anything online. I'm in a funk, a spot, moody and trying to heal after a very stressful ordeal. What has happened is that my partner Keith and I have split and I'm single after two years. One of them good, the other not so much, but what I didn't know was the not so much part was to come and slap me in the face all withing a few weeks of one another.

Some very bad decisions were made, some even worse actions were taken and were extreme, hospitalization occurred, mental health facilities were involved and the separation took place shortly afterward, due to anger, resentment, trust, heartache and stress. All of this has left me without much hope of saving my home, but I'm doing my best to hold on to myself and it while I try to heal as well. I feel very trapped in my current situation.

I'm working and I love my job and the crew I work with. I couldn't have asked for a better group of folks to share a place of employment. My job however, doesn't pay my bills and only barely my rent. Keith has the car, I kept the house. Keith has a new job and a new home where he works with lovely people who've taken him under their wing, care, and given him shelter during this difficult time in his life. He's offered to help me where he can. I am just put in a position to keep my home only by receiving his help as he has the car, I have none. My coworkers pick me up, drop me off and run me to the grocery with borrowed or gifted funds. I feel like I'm in a prison of sorts. I require the ex's assistance, but I also have to listen about his new life, his travels his running and doing, his dates, his going out to eat, shopping and all of this, while I have to beg and borrow. It's extremely difficult to do and I do want his friendship.

I have no family to rely on, I have no friends with the means to help other than a few dollars here and there, I did have one friend offer to keep an eye out for a car, but that could be months before that happens. My bills exceed my income, which leaves little for saving, much less going to dinners like we used to, going to movies unless someone else pays, and then there's the yard, which needs mowing, but no mower. There are so many things going on at one time that the grays have starting coming in very fast now and I'm pretty sure I've developed and ulcer.

So, while I sit here sharing, I do tell you that I'm only sharing and not complaining. Life is sometimes unpleasant, unfair, and extremely difficult. I have my up days and down days. I feel this year has dealt me loads of shit, but nothing I can not handle. I'm prepared to sell all my things if I have to and up and move somewhere new and start over, it's not really an option, however. But if it has to be, then I'll do just that. I love my home, It's the first place in years, I've felt I've had a home that felt like home to me. The family was here, but now with him gone, I don't get checked on, I don't get calls that ask how I'm doing, I feel very alone, other than my handful of friends who truly know me and love me for the person I am.

My family can't help. We are sort of estranged from one another due to my being gay. My mother has made the comment that my gayness is the cause of all my problems and my father has told me to my face that he has four sons how aren't worth a shit. So, the extent of my family is that they are my family, but if it were not for mother, I'd know nothing else of them.

I know my recent story is not unique. I know there are many others out there worse off than I, I'm thankful for the roof over my head at present, for the friends I have and for my little pup, Penny. But I really am in need of some great frigging news sometime very soon or I think I'm gonna lose my mind! (intended humor as you should have heard the voice I used in my head while writing that last sentence. - Being Sissy from "Sordid Lives.")

Well, on the up side of things, I've been introduced to someone who's company I enjoy and for whom I'm cooking dinner this evening. I'm looking forward to the new and exciting. :)

Peace to you all and much love from Gainesville.

JD

HI Folks. Just a quick note to say hello to you all and thanks for your participation in this group. Once again, I fail to get updates without looking at the group, but today I noticed it's been quite active (thanks, Mitchey and welcome to the group!) and I'm happy to see it continuing to grow. Peace to you all and remember, Live OUT Loud.

Happy weekend to you all!

Peace!

JD

This morning I woke early as I went to bed at 9:30 last night. Up at 4 AM and having coffee, reading my facebook posts from friends and the news. I need to get back to writing more as it's been a long while since I've felt like writing, much less, having something I enjoy writing about. Well, this morning, I'm filled with joy and peace and extremely happy to have my life back to some sense of normalcy. I've got Penny on my side under the comforter, Keith on the other end of the sofa under his blanket with Dixie, his parent's dachshund at his side, and both of us on the computer. (I say this as he picks up the remote to change the channel from my morning music on the Soundscape Music Choice channel. And speaking of Music Choice, they've changed their lineup and have condenced Singers and Standards with Big Band and Swing which I'm not very happy with. I love standards, but not a huge fan of swing. More than one song and I'm wanting to change the channel back to either light classical, soundscapes or easy listening.

I decided just a moment ago, while getting my second cup of coffee what we would be having for dinner this evening. When I leave work, I'm going to run by the store to pick up some charcoal, some sourkraut, potatoe buns, and BRATS! I've not had a grilled brat since last summer and I'm dying for, lets say, five or six of them! This is my favorite summer time food. And I can eat them if all the store has are pre-coooked brats, but nothing compares to a brat, slightly boiled in beer, and then transfered to a hot grill and charred just slightly, placed on a potato bun, two thin strips of spicy mustard on each side of the sausage, and then covered with kraut. I'm going to be in heaven this evening for certain.

Bratwurst , a movie, dogs and the windows open--Oh, what a lovely saturday evening! My life is good right now.

Peace and bratwurst grease, y'all!

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized s he was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

This morning I woke to the feel of uncovered sutures tugging on the sheets and pillow case, but to be honest, I was happy to be moving freely about with an arm that has been bundled up in bandages for a week with twenty sutures from the accident. With my stitches gently reminding me it's morning, I hopped out of bed after one last snuggle with Keith, who was finally released yesterday and was able to return home to me. I will say that if everything goes okay, he'll not have to be returned, which is my hope, but he's prepared to take responsibility for wrong choices he has made and that's the best I can hope for.

So, I made him coffee his morning and he's watching the beautiful sun rise and he's loving the fact that he was allowed to come home. And I've been having a hoot of a time with the foods I've prepared, putting the first bite of real food, my style, with tons of fresh flavors, into his mouth, the first of which was my cucumber, cherry tomato and onion salad with dill and black pepper, red wine vinegar, water and salt. He was in the shower, for the first time in three days (as he was scared shitless to have to venture the shower while "otherwise detained.") and I took him a bite, and pulled back the shower curtain, popped it into his mouth and you'd have thought he'd actually died and gone to heaven. It's my little way of teasing him about why not to do things that get you sent to jail, not pass go, and not collect $200.

I made him a REAL cup of coffee, a la Starbucks grade French roast, put it in his hands and he just smelled the hell out of it...THEN...the taste.....and ensuing "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I'm happy to have him home. Now, let him screw up again and I'll be in the pokey for attempted murder. (JUST KIDDING!)

Oh, and I return to work for the first time since my injury on Easter. Wheee!!!! And get my sutures removed after work. Today is a great day! The rooster is outside my window cock-a-doodling and I'm at peace for the first time in days.

Happy Saturday, EVERYONE!